Lots to think about...

Tonight I had my 29 week appointment and I also did my 1 hour glucose test again. So at 5:00 on my way home from work I had to drink my orange glucola drink. The positive thing about having had the drink at 5 o'clock was that she had to take me at 6:00 so I didn't have to sit around & wait to see her. The drink really isn't that bad so I didn't mind much. I've heard that the fruit punch flavored drink is pretty nasty though so I've been happy to have had the orange both times. I went in and she weighed me... and I gained.... a lot... in the last 2 weeks.. grrrrr. My doctor still hasn't said anything about it so I guess it's ok. I will definately go over my 35 lb max... I'm already nearly there and due just over 10 weeks! Hopefully my weight gain will slow down a bit but with my cravings for sweets (and my lack of will power) and the fact that the baby will be growing a lot over the next two months I don't think that will really happen. Anyway, so my doctor drew my blood and said she'd let me know tomorrow how I did since her other location has gotten a lab corp computer & she'll be able to look up my results on her own rather than wait for the reports. Keep your fingers crossed for me b/c I can't imagine how grumpy I'll be if I have to give up my yummy stuff. So the doctor pulled out the doppler & found the heartbeat right away, loud & clear :) She measured my fundal height and than she asked me if I was planning on taking off the four weeks prior to my due date. She said because my commute is nearly an hour each way that after 36 weeks it can go pretty quickly and it would be better not to have to drive so far away. I told her that if I have to I could take the time if she thought I should though I had already told my bosses that I would be working to the week before I was due. She said it would be best, so it looks like I'll be leaving work in 6 weeks!! This puts me in a REALLY tough spot...

Lately I've had a lot to think about because I started to look into daycare & we aretotally unable to afford it. I called and it seems that the price will be $200+ per week which is most of what I make in a month. Between that and what I would have to pay for insurance for the baby I would be bringing home about $400/month (unless my boss worked out a deal for the insurance & I paid less than $400/month). I been thinking a lot and talked to Kevin & it seems that I might have to actually leave my job.... for good.... and stay home with the baby. This is what I always wanted, but not to be in this situaton.. I would end up doing an in home daycare to make up for the money that I would not have. In NJ you do not have to be licensedwith the state unless you have 6+ kids in your house. I figured if I had 3 kids (plus my baby) at $175/week I could bring in $525/week and $2100/month. That is actually more take home per month than I make now... so that would be good right? Not to mention that I wouldn't have to pay the crazy gas prices (I drive 70 miles/day to work & back and it was over 100 miles on days when I had class!!) Except for the insurance issue everything sounds like it could work.. so that still leaves me with a problem.. what do I do about insurance? I am afraid that when I tell my boss that I will be giving notice that I will lose my short term disability, not to mention that they won't continue to pay for my insurance... I could always apply to the state for assistance. If this is the route I end up taking that might be what I have to do.. I am not happy to have to have this as an option but right now my main concern is keeping my house & taking care of my baby when she gets here in less than 3 months...

I decided that I needed to tell my doctor what my situation is because up until now she didn't know. She was just telling me how I need to lower my stress levels with the traffic and long commute (for those of you not from NJ the traffic here is soo terrible you could end up sitting in traffic for more than an hour just to go 30 miles down the road... I do it everyday Monday through Friday and I'm not even going with traffic) and I know my stress levels have been through the roof lately, so with Kevin there I started to tell my doctor about our financial situation & that I am trying to figure out what I will do at work and if I will even return at all. I figured she needed to know the amount of stress I am facing right now and know that the commute is the least of my worries right now. She seems so concerned. She automatically offered to help me find a job at the 3 hospitals in our area (I do medical billing and have about 5 years experience). She said she's pretty sure that she could help me find something and the hospital benefits are really good and free also, not to mention the pay would probably be better than what I am making now. She also offered to help get Kevin's name out there to find him something too. I really appreciate that she was so eager to help, but at the same time I am so embarrassed. It feels terrible to be in such a sad situation. I just hope something works out...

So on our way home Kevin says he has something to tell me... apparently his father called him today and told him he wants to help us because he knows that our financial situation is so bad. I do not like being 'bailed out'. We are adults with a baby on the way. Is it wrong to get help? Well... this is what he is offering... he wants to actually take a home equity loan out on his house and give us $35,000. Immediately I started crying. That is A LOT of money!! I don't know what to do. We are SO broke. We have no money. I am terrified that after all the work that we did to buy this house and establish ourselves that we are going to have to leave because things have taken such a horrible turn. We are so lucky that we have family like Kevin's dad and mom who want to and are actually able to offer us things like that, but I don't really know if I feel comfortable doing that. I asked Kevin and he agreed it was a lot and he didn't know either but he didn't really see a lot of other options. How would we even BEGIN to pay that back? They've always been ready and able to help us if we really need it and unfortunately in the 8 years (next month) that I've been with Kevin he's had some bad luck with jobs and put us in a few "tough" spots, but this is the worst it has ever ever EVER been...

Wait, let me just say that I am not telling you guys this to make you feel bad or to drum up sympathy b/c I know that compared to other people we have it pretty good... we are not sick or unhealthy, we have a healthy baby girl growing inside me, we have family that loves us...... I am just trying to put it all on the table and figure things out. I find this blog is the best place for me to just get it out. Kevin doesn't read it & neither does any of his family or anyone else that knows me (excluding my little sister). I don't want to be the bitchy blog girl or bring anyone down, I just need to clear my mind and see things how they are. I am sorry if this is a terrible blog :( Trust me, I'm not even sitting here sad! I'm not crying or depressed, I'm just confused. I don't really know what my life holds for me in the next few months and I need to figure out which path my husband and I are going to take for our baby.

Looking back at what I just spent all that time typing I don't want to bring anyone down (including myself~ it is a weekend after all!!) so now I have to sit back & let myself think. I started reading Marley & Me by John Grogan and so far it's great. The baby is kicking so hard that my laptop is jumping all over the place! I think it might be time to sit and relax for a little while. If you actually read all this depressing and confusing garbage I really appreciate it. Any advice or comments would be appreciated, just please keep it nice (not that anyone ever doesn't). I'm just really super sensitive now.. Thanks

~Kristina